The battlefield that is modern dating.

Hello everyone!

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas to those who celebrate, and that you are doing well despite everything going on in the world. So many are struggling now more than ever, and whether or not we have met, I am sending you good thoughts from one screen to another.

So I am not sure if I have talked a lot about my dating life on here - if I haven’t, that probably was done on purpose - but the last 4 years in this aspect of my life has been rocky to say the least. After going through a breakup in the end of 2020 - and then giving myself the appropriate time to heal and move on - I decided to take a break from dating because I couldn’t bear to face the minefield of dating apps again just yet. (The global pandemic was also a major factor as we weren’t allowed to leave the house, let alone potentially touch another human being!)

Cut to autumn of 2021, and after speaking to my closest friends, I decided to give dating another try. I was continuously trying to talk myself out of it but one of my dearest friends gave me some great advice: even though I didn’t like dating apps, it was unfortunately the only way to meet someone in recent times as even after multiple lockdowns, the only chance to meet new *single* people was through apps, and that the “organically meet someone” method translated bluntly into: meeting nobody. This was very real and helpful advice, and with encouragement from my loved ones, I closed my eyes and albeit very reluctantly, took the plunge back into the world of dating apps.

Without going into detail, I can pretty much say that it is now three months later and that plan very recently exploded in my face. What makes it all that little bit worse is sadly, a part of me knew that this would happen. Why, do you ask? Because it has happened to me every single time I have been on a dating app so far and scarily enough, I am not alone. The world of online dating and the internet in general gives people the ability to hide behind a screen and in turn, the ability to avoid consequences of their behaviours and actions behind a screen as well. However, burying their head in the sand so-to-speak doesn’t mean that everyone above the surface has forgotten it so soon. Terms such as “ghosting”, “situationships”, “breadcrumbing” and “love bombing” are as common as seeing pigeons in a British town - which by the way, happens ALL THE TIME - and the worst part is, we are being subliminally taught to accept it as a normal part of life. Before I continue, here are some basic meanings of the most used online dating terms:

Ghosting: When an individual cuts off all communication with the person they are dating with zero warning, notice or explanation, whether or not they have or haven’t met in person. This consists of ignoring phone calls, texts, messages on social media and WhatsApp, avoiding seeing them in person and sometimes also blocking them on their phone and/or social media. Talk about #harsh.

Situationships: This is one of the worst kinds of relationships: one that does exist, but not really. It usually depends on the circumstances and the people involved, but let me explain the basic meaning: an individual is dating somebody, which can include dates, sex, talking, texting, generally good rapport between the parties involved, and of course, the one thing people try to avoid but is always bound to happen: feelings. Sounds good, right? Here’s the twist: one or all of the parties are actively avoiding putting a label on the relationship, talking about what is happening between them and/or denying the feelings they have for the other person, which can breed confusion, frustration and more often than not, anger and hurt. A lot of the time, people do this so they get the benefits of a relationship without the commitment and personal involvement of a relationship. Great, right?

Breadcrumbing: Even just the thought of writing this definition makes me want to slam the door on my toe. This is when a person knows that the other has a crush on them, but they don’t feel the same and/or doesn’t want to do anything about it. However, they enjoy the attention and keep messaging them, flirting with them, talking to them regularly and basically sending the other person loads of signals that they are interested, but in reality, they want to stay single and have no intention of following through.  Seems like a logical reaction (can you detect my sarcasm?!)

Last but unfortunately not least,

Love Bombing: Yep, you really did just read that. Instead of an explosion of Lindor boxes and cupids you would expect, the above term is used to describe the notion of one individual sending loads of positive affirmations and actions towards the person they are dating at the time. This includes the obvious such as dates and gifts, but also the more meaningful things like compliments, attention, affection, admiration, and promises for more commitment in the future e.g meeting close family members, expression of feelings, future holidays/events and letting you meet their friends. But as always, there is a catch: the person giving the warm and fuzzy stuff will suddenly cut contact - see “ghosting” at the top! - become increasingly distant and aloof, and/or give an excuse to their departure. 

The regular dating app users can probably name a few of these lines: “I am not ready for a relationship”, “not wanting to date”, “got a lot going on” etc. Which is fine if these excuses are genuine, but that still doesn’t explain the symphony of mixed messages, which leaves the second individual feeling used, confused, angry and of course, heartbroken. To make things worse? According to New York psychotherapist Ami Kaplan in conversation with Cosmpolitain, love bombing is “mostly an unconscious behaviour” and is the prime example of “normalised manipulation and narcissism” (L’amie and Andrews, 2021). And my family wonder why I avoid dating apps like the bubonic plague.

*a) Definitions sourced from Urban Dictionary. b) L’amie and Andrews, 2021. What is Love Bombing? Cosmopolitan [online article]

I know that not every person behaves like this, regardless of what gender they identify with. There are definitely decent people out there who are both transparent and polite when talking to others, regardless of how well they know or don’t know the person and regardless of whether their relationship is romantic or not. However, there is a large amount of people who are not clear about their dating intentions and whether they like it or not, the person on the other end definitely can sense when someone isn’t honest about it. I met a group of women today who have all been on dating apps at one point or another in their lives, and I was genuinely shocked that every single woman there admitted to having not one, but at least two or more of these situations happen to them whilst dating, with one person candidly stating: “I feel like every person I have met [on a dating app] always has one foot in and one foot out, and it’s annoying as hell”. 

How we as a global society attempt to be more considerate and polite when talking to people on not just dating websites but the internet as a whole, is something I don’t think we will ever achieve in our lifetimes, which is upsetting and terrifying. Whether we are looking for love, buying secondhand furniture or everything else in between, it’s obvious that daily life is becoming more and more dependent on the internet, but that doesn’t mean that the internet is, to quote Emily in Paris: “an alternate universe where rules don’t apply”, and it shouldn’t become one either. This failed attempt at online dating is not my first - and sadly not my last - but I do know that for some unknown reason, I feel the most fed-up, disheartened and reluctant about dating than I have in a long time.

So I guess it’s fair to say that I have been put off online dating for the time being: even when I stood up for myself at the end it felt like I was talking to a wall. Despite the knock in confidence, I have finally realised that I will never let any person make me feel like I am second choice ever again. Enough is enough. Saying that, I still have faith that one day I will meet someone who isn’t just right for me, but someone who will like me for the funny, hardworking and kind individual that I am and will make an effort, because they want to be with me for all the right reasons. And I wish that all of you find the same in your lives as well.

Take care and have an amazing Christmas period and New Year! I wish everyone all the happiness, health and well wishes for 2022.

Love,

E x