The realities we wish weren’t real

 Hi all,

Well, it has been far too long. I hope you are doing great and that 2023 is treating you well so far. This long break was unintentional and I have several half-finished posts that never reached the blog, mainly due to life getting in the way. However, this post feels more relevant now than when I started writing it back in October 2022 and is needed for both myself and my creativity. I hope that reading this will be as reassuring for you as the writing process has been for me; even if it is for a couple of minutes during an ad break.

For many reasons in the past year, it has suddenly dawned on me that life has an invisible expiry date; one that you have no control over when the hell that is going to be. Yes, I’ve always known that life is finite - we all do - but there is a difference between knowing something will happen and knowing something will happen because you have no choice but to acknowledge it, for one reason or another. I have been lucky that so far I haven’t felt the harsh reality of age hit me with full force yet - I know it comes for all of us eventually - but the last year has brought me small insights into this special kind of heartache we all will experience throughout our lives.

When one or more of our loved ones get older or become seriously ill, something in our minds starts to shut down, and I was never quite sure why that happened. At first, you worry that you are incapable of empathy or that you have some rare fatigue syndrome that causes you to disassociate from reality (I may have had a Google spiral after work one day). However, I’ve realised it’s a defence mechanism to protect you from the ice-cold truth: something heartbreaking is going to happen - you won't know when or how soon - and that there is nothing you can do to stop it.

My brother and I have been blessed with such a caring and supportive family and I’ve loved seeing this in action more times than I can count: my parents looking after us, them looking after the people they grew up with and were raised by and in turn, my extended family looking after my brother, myself and our cousins. Throughout our lives, our grandparents, aunties and uncles have always been there for us as much as life has allowed. From making our favourite meals when we came round to visit and sending cards on our birthdays, these are the people who've known my brother and me our entire lives and have always been there, regardless of whether we are on the same continent or not. But as we have gotten older, so do the people older than us which again, is something you don’t realise until you have to.

I am so grateful they are still with us but like everything in life, there is an expiry date, and the fact that there will be a day on the horizon when they will no longer be here is deeply painful. It’s a thought that is impossible to get rid of once it enters my mind and honestly, I find it hard to talk about without getting emotional. Even writing this is tougher than I expected, but I have to remind myself that the burden is worse for the people who are closest to them; my parents, for example. These are people my mother and father have known since they were born, and even though my parents have black belts when it comes to protecting themselves, I want to be there for them through it all. Just like they have been for me, my brother and everyone else that is lucky to be loved by them.

I apologise that this has not been an uplifting post like some of my previous articles - I promise my next entry will be brighter! - but it has provided me with some catharsis, and I hope it has had a similar effect on you. And even though I say this at the end of all of my posts, I genuinely mean it.

When I started this blog 8 years ago (gulp), I knew that I wanted my page to be an outlet for all the words and thoughts floating around that I needed to release in the only way I know how. However, I also wanted to create a safe space for those who, like me, have ideas and opinions they want to share on a large scale. People who get so caught up in what they feel and believe that it becomes a passion, hobby or even a career. Those whose goals are the light that guides them through the darkest time in their lives. We are all at one point or another this type of human, and there is a word for us: dreamers. And if you ever feel alone, frightened, intrigued or just bored, this page will always be here to welcome you home, dreamer.

All my love,

E x